Hell Yeah Zhang Yimou!

On 08/08/2008, I woke up at 5am PST to catch the Olympic Open Ceremony from Beijing China. After it was done, all I can say is...

Hell Yeah Zhang Yimou!


I'm sure all Chinese Ge Men and Jie Men (brothers and sisters) approved. Thank you. You made us proud. Also thanks for teaching us Chinese American a thing or two about Chinese history - no one ever taught us. I really didn't know my ancestors invented gun powder, paper, printing, and the compass. I'm friggin ABC afterall, I really don't know jack about the Chinese - I thought we invented rice before watching this spectacle.


Oh by the way, good luck topping that London. You're going to need it.


Click here to see more images from the ceremony.

I am Banana

Banana - this is a term real Chinese folks use to refer to us Chinese Americans.

Why do they call us "Bananas"? Simple - Like a banana, we are yellow on the outside (we look Chinese), but we are white on the inside (we act and think like white folks).

We are very conflicted about being called a "Banana".

Here's why...

When real Chinese folks, especially our parents, refer to us as "Bananas" we get really protective and defensive because we already feel so damn awkward about not being able to fit in with real Chinese people.

Dear real Chinese folks, You already know we are very insecure about our Chinese-ness. Why do you still need to call us out like that?! Why?! Look at us for godsakes! We look just as Chinese you guys and yet somehow we are still not good enough. We hear you say it all the time - "Dude, that ABC is a total Banana". What is it? We smell different or something? Even though we can barely speak Chinese, we both still share the same compulsive obsession with rice so throw us a frickin' bone.

When our White friends (and we have many since we are Bananas) learn about the meaning of "Banana", we couldn't be more ecstatic.

Dear White folks , we are very glad to let you know how "Americanized" we are. In our ABC minds, you knowing us as Bananas means you understand that we are exactly like you except that we are totally in love with tofu even though we are not vegan, we don't obsess about cheese like you guys, we are on average 1 foot shorter than you, and we are practically blind when there's a car windshield in front of us, et cetera, et cetera. I can go on for days about our differences, but yeah, we're exactly the same as you.....except for all the differences. EXACTLY the same.

Point is folks, We ABCs are stuck between a rock and a hard place. We are as yellow as we are white. We are initially very reluctant to accept this so some of us choose to be as Chinese as we can or as White as we can, but we eventually realize that we don't need to choose and embrace what we are...

A Banana.

So repeat after me my Chinese American brothers and sisters,

"I am Banana"....

We ABCs don't know jack about being Chinese

Don't trust what we Chinese Americans have to say about the Chinese culture. We don't do this on purpose because we really do believe we have it all straight in our heads. At best, we are only partially correct with the facts, but for the most part we are just plain wrong.

The conduit to the motherland's history and culture are through the kaleidoscope of our parents or our real Chinese friends. Dude, if that doesn't raise red flags for you, you're either high or you have the IQ of a peanut. The truth is most of these folks, with a few rare exceptions, should not be giving us ABCs lessons on Chinese culture. Here's why...

Many Chinese parents left the motherland a while ago, probably before the Cultural Revolution so their facts are wildly out-of-date. Most real Chinese folks consider our parents as relics of the "old culture". They say stuff like, "Oh, how cute, they still do that". That's a polite translation of, "Dude that's so pre 1900s. In China, such things have gone the way of the dodo bird". Yes, real Chinese folks talk like this - I know this (Remember I'm Chinese American).

Our real Chinese friends can't be trusted either because they will never tell you the whole story because they think of us as a great novelty act. Novelty act in the sense that they want us to be the presenter in a meeting with our fly unzipped. They want to embarrass us. They want to make us look retarded. They will constantly feed us bits and pieces of real information followed by disinformation so that they can continue to make fun of us. It's sweet revenge for them because we ABCs will never forgo a chance to make fun of their Chinese accent when they speak English and if we fail to find a way to insult them, we'll just resort to calling them FOBs. We so deserve the wrath of real Chinese folks.

You might being wondering why we ABCs can't just go figure it out ourselves. We cannot. We cannot just watch CCTV (China Central Television) and learn this stuff on our own because our understanding of the Chinese language is about the level of a 3 year old so there's no way in hell we understand what the folks on CCTV are talking about. We have no choice but to depend on our parents and our real Chinese friends. So in the end, we Chinese Americans are left to our own devices knowing only bits and pieces of our own culture and then piecing it together with our American thought process.

We. Are. Screwed.

And to all Eggs and admirers of Chinese culture, consider this a WARNING. If what you know about Chinese culture is from Chinese Americans, you don't know jack about Chinese culture.

A Dictionary of Chinese American Terms

Let's get off on the right foot. I understand (and hope) that the audience of this blog will be from all cultures. So before I get started on offending and insulting everyone let's get some basic terms out of the way. Here's a basic survival guide of the lingo that all Chinese Americans use and understand:

• ABC - American Born Chinese. Pretty self-explanatory. Can be used interchangeably with Chinese American.
  
• Chinese American - This term can used interchangeably with ABC. It can literally mean Chinese Americans or real Chinese folks who spend significant time living in American.
• Real Chinese People - Chinese people who are culturally Chinese. They can be Chinese people living in western society who have not yet become westernized.
  
• Banana - Chinese Americans are yellow on the outside (look Chinese), but white on the inside (culturally American) just like a banana. This is a term that real Chinese folks commonly use to refer to Chinese Americans.
• Egg - This term describes White folks who are totally in love with Asian culture. The exact opposite of a Banana.
• FOB - Fresh Off the Boat. This is a term Chinese Americans use to describe real Chinese folks who just immigrated from wherever real Chinese folks come from.
  
• White People - When Chinese or Chinese Americans say "White people" it could simply mean White People or it can mean people who are not Chinese.
  
• Rice It Up - To Asian-ify something that is not necessary of Asian origin.
• Ai-Yah! - Pronounced "I Yaa". An expletive use to voice disapproval or surprise.

That's all I can think of for now. I'll let you know when I think of more.