I have decided to blog about (in an embarrassing and insulting manner) real Chinese people talking English. The infamous Chinese accent. I will do it over several entries on my blog because the Chinese accent is too damn funny and there's way too much material to cover in one blog entry.
Let me begin the insults by saying I love listening to real Chinese folks talk in English, they are so cute when they struggle to suppress their Chinese accents. The harder they try the more it comes out. I will admit that most of my real Chinese counterparts do not to have this problem, but rather it's our parents that do. So the next time you're at your Chinese friend's home, try to find an excuse to talk to the parents and you'll know what I'm talking about. In the meantime let's get started with our first word that real Chinese people will completely brutalize: Fried Rice
A classic way to test your Chinese friend's command of the English language is to make them say something that includes the word "fried rice". This should not be difficult because all Chinese, without exception, have a favorable gastronmic connection with fried rice. It's comfort food for us. Bring up the topic of food and it won't be long before they break into a preaching session about how great fried rice much like a Christian will tell you how Jesus will save your soul within 10 minutes of meeting you.
If your Chinese friend pronounces fried rice with an impeccably proper American accent your fun is over. Your Chinese friend is a banana. He or she is as white as as a Tom Hilfiger model. If your Chinese friend pronounces fried rice as "flied lice", English is without a doubt their second language. He or she is a real red-blooded Chinese. I'll go one step further and tell you that they do not speak Mandarin, the official Chinese language, very well. They are your standard chicken-feet-eating Cantonese people either from Hong Kong or somewhere from GuangDong (Canton) province of China. Folks from there are infamous for butchering Mandarin.
So this is what I suggest you do - try "teaching" your Cantonese friend to say "fried rice" properly. That's hours of fun because no Cantonese tongues can make the "R" sound even if you put a gun to their head. Their best effort will come out as a "L" sound. They'll say "flied rice" until their dying day. Try other things with R's in them. For example, fruit salad will come out as "floot salah" and green curry sound like "gleen cully". After you're bored with this, have your Cantonese friend speak Mandarin in front of your Mandarin speaking friend and watch how puzzled your Mandarin friend looks as they are trying to decipher the words coming out of your Cantonese friend's mouth.
Hours and hours of laughter guaranteed! My people are going to kill me for exposing them like this.
