The Chinese Accent: I Want Some Flied Lice

I have decided to blog about (in an embarrassing and insulting manner) real Chinese people talking English. The infamous Chinese accent. I will do it over several entries on my blog because the Chinese accent is too damn funny and there's way too much material to cover in one blog entry. 

Let me begin the insults by saying I love listening to real Chinese folks talk in English, they are so cute when they struggle to suppress their Chinese accents. The harder they try the more it comes out. I will admit that most of my real Chinese counterparts do not to have this problem, but rather it's our parents that do. So the next time you're at your Chinese friend's home, try to find an excuse to talk to the parents and you'll know what I'm talking about. In the meantime let's get started with our first word that real Chinese people will completely brutalize: Fried Rice

A classic way to test your Chinese friend's command of the English language is to make them say something that includes the word "fried rice". This should not be difficult because all Chinese, without exception, have a favorable gastronmic connection with fried rice. It's comfort food for us. Bring up the topic of food and it won't be long before they break into a preaching session about how great fried rice much like a Christian will tell you how Jesus will save your soul within 10 minutes of meeting you. 

If your Chinese friend pronounces fried rice with an impeccably proper American accent your fun is over. Your Chinese friend is a banana. He or she is as white as as a Tom Hilfiger model. If your Chinese friend pronounces fried rice as "flied lice",  English is without a doubt their second language. He or she is a real red-blooded Chinese. I'll go one step further and tell you that they do not speak Mandarin, the official Chinese language, very well. They are your standard chicken-feet-eating Cantonese people either from Hong Kong or somewhere from GuangDong (Canton) province of China. Folks from there are infamous for butchering Mandarin. 

So this is what I suggest you do - try "teaching" your Cantonese friend to say "fried rice" properly. That's hours of fun because no Cantonese tongues can make the "R" sound even if you put a gun to their head. Their best effort will come out as a "L" sound. They'll say "flied rice" until their dying day. Try other things with R's in them. For example, fruit salad will come out as "floot salah" and green curry sound like "gleen cully". After you're bored with this, have your Cantonese friend speak Mandarin in front of your Mandarin speaking friend and watch how puzzled your Mandarin friend looks as they are trying to decipher the words coming out of your Cantonese friend's mouth. 

Hours and hours of laughter guaranteed! My people are going to kill me for exposing them like this.

Ping Pong

Ping Pong, a sport I'm supposed to excel at because I'm Chinese...

I recently had a conversation with Joerg, a coworker, about a ping pong tournament at the company I work at. The jist of the conversation went like this:

• Joerg: So Chuck, I'm looking forward to seeing you compete in our ping pong touranment
• Me (Fat Keng Yu): I'm not joining the tournament
• Joerg: Come again?
• Me: Yeah, I suck at ping pong. I'm not joining...
• Joerg: WHAT?! I thought every Chinese has mad ping pong skillz.
• Me: Dude...
• Joerg: Are you even Chinese?
• Me: Dude...

Frankly, it's not the first time someone was flabbergasted by my lack of mad ping pong skillz so let me make an official statement on this matter...

I suck at ping pong. I suck so much that a 10-year old Chinese girl with 2 hands tie behind her back can dominate me at ping pong.

Why do I suck so bad? Isn't that obvious? Because I'm not Chinese! I'm friggin ABC! Born in friggin America. That's my excuse for my futility at ping pong. It really is quite embarrassing 'cause I so totally look like a rockstar ping pong player so much that when I'm in China walking down the streets of Beijing or Shanghai I'm constantly mobbed by rabid sport fans asking me to autograph the clothes on their back or take a picture with them where we all have to smile and make that stupid "V" symbol with our hands. I go along with all of this fanfare because I'm such a narcissist, that is until they ask me to pose with a ping pong paddle. Busted! These Chinese ping pong aficionados stick the paddle in my hand and they figure it out right away - I don't know how to properly hold a ping pong paddle - when they see how I hold the it, the next thing out of there mouth is...

"Ai Yah! ABC! He even smells American..."

Yes, everything I just described is true. It happens all the time because I'm Chinese, JOERG!

BJ does not mean Beijing to Americans

I went out with a few of friends last weekend. One of them is an ABC just like me. His name is Presley Wang. The other is from Beijing, a "real" Chinese. Her name is Liu Kou Shui.

We spent most of the evening going back and forth in discussions about the differences between real Chinese folks and ABCs. These discussions carried into emails during the week. Most of the email conversations were very typical until one sent by Liu Kou Shui to Presley took a turn for the comical. Here's the excerpt:

"...Presley, every Chinese, even ABC like yourself, should experience BJ at least once. Let me know when you go. I know BJ very well. I spent much time there. I can give you tips on what to do and where to go. I love BJ. It's a lot of fun. I miss it so much..."

Before this email, Presley and Liu Kou Shui were going back and forth about Beijing. But all the ABCs were speechless when they read this email. Apparently, BJ is the abbreviation that real Chinese and Beijingers use for BeiJing. It's now obvious that Liu Kou Shui is merely telling Presley that a trip to Beijing is worthwhile. That being said, I feel inclined to break some news to my real Chinese friends.

Dear Brother and Sisters from the Mainland, please take note. Really. Pay attention. BJ does not mean Beijing to Americans. It means BlowJob (Kou Jiao) to Americans.

Liu Kou Shui, poor girl, can you feel the blood rushing to your face? Do you now understand why Presley has been trying to ask you out on a date?

I really love my brothers and sisters from the Mainland. They sometimes are very cute.

3Q

What is 3Q?

If you've asked that question while instant messaging or texting on your phone with a real Chinese person, you're either not Chinese or you're a really white-washed Chinese, a true-to-the-bone Banana. On the other end of the spectrum, If you know what 3Q means and constantly use it you are without a doubt a 100% full-blooded Chinese.

Enough commentary - What does 3Q mean?

It's a texting abbreviation - 3Q means Thank You. Just like LOL means Laughing Out Loud, just like LMAO means Laugh My Ass Off, just like STFU means Shut The F**k Up, and just like the famous WTF means What The F**k.

It's not exactly like all the other abbreviations, is it? You may be wondering how 3Q exactly translates to Thank You. In English 3Q would be pronounced "Three Q" - sounds nothing like "Thank You". The problem is you're using the wrong language. Remember these are real Chinese people - they don't speak English and if they did you wouldn't understand the words that are coming out of their mouth.

So let's see what 3Q sounds like in Chinese. 3 in Chinese is pronounced "San" and Q is obviously pronounced "Q" so 3Q would be pronounced "San Q". Still doesn't quite match up to "Thank You", does it? Dude, have you ever heard a Chinese try to pronounce "Th"? It's an exercise in futility, man. If you're ever in the unfortunate situation of trying to teach a Chinese how to pronounce "Th" make sure you're not packin' cause you're either gonna use it on yourself or your Chinese friend because they will never get it right. They will never be able to pronounce "Th". It will always come out of their mouth as a "S" sound so "Thank you" will always come out as "San Q" and there you have it - 3Q means Thank You.

God, my people are so cute sometimes, I really love them.

San Q, San Q, San Q. San Q very much. I'm here all week.

Take Off Your Shoes!

Ever wonder how you can tell which house in your neighborhood is occupied by Chinese people?

Well, that's easy. If there are shoes littered at the front door it's a good bet that the occupants are Chinese. Acceptable variations on this are a shoe cabinet or a pile of shoes just inside the entrance. Point is, shoes are never worn in a Chinese person's house - period. No exceptions. Outside the house, do what you want. Inside the house, OFF WITH YOUR SHOES! When the shoes come off you will put on really ridiculous looking slippers like the ones in this image:


This is actually one of those rituals that you can pretty much assume all Chinese people follow almost religiously. "Why?", You may ask. Hell if I know. I'm friggin' ABC, what do I know about being Chinese?! But one thing I do know is how god damn annoying it is to be constantly taking off and putting on shoes when entering and exiting the house.

I put up with this when I go to other Chinese people's home because when in Rome, do as the Romans do or in this case the Chinese, err, you know what I mean, but one would expect that I don't have this ritual at my house since I hate it so much. Guess what? I do this even in my own house. Let me explain...

I met this lady severals years ago. She is a real Chinese person from Fujian China. Her name is Shi Tong Mi. Sparks flew immediately and before you can say Kung Pao Chicken we were happily married. She obviously took my last name, Yu, so now her name is Shi Tong Yu. We live in a house in the Sunset district of San Francisco, California with a really nice shoe cabinet just inside of our front door. Like I said earlier, she's a real Chinese person with real Chinese habits one of which is taking off her shoes before she enters our house and then putting it into our cherry wood built-in shoe cabinet. She expects the same from me. I put up with it and do this annoying ritual as part of the bigger picture of keeping her happy so that she's willing to put out.

Kung Fu Panda - A Thought Provoking Movie

Unlike most moviegoers this summer who got caught up in the hype of the The Dark Knight, I got all crazy about Kung Fu Panda. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed The Dark Knight just as much as everyone else, but Kung Fu Panda generated a lot of thought provoking conversation amongst me and my Chinese friends.

Here's how it started...

A bunch of us walk out of the threatre with an ear-to-ear smile. We are extremely proud of how great this "Chinese" movie was, but Ian, our white friend (We always bring at least one token white friend with us everywhere we go to make us feel more American), tells us Kung Fu Panda is a Hollywood movie. Made in America. Our smiles are immediately erased from our Asian faces. None of us believe him. Our real Chinese friend, Liu Bing Yuan (We always bring at least one token real Chinese friend with us everywhere we go to make us feel more Chinese), lets him know it in his thick Chinese accent, "Ai-Yah Ian!, rook at-ta me. You ah fulla sheet. You ah smoke-ka pot-ta again ah!" Ian just blinks unable to decipher what Liu Bing Yuan said. I step in to translate, "Dude, Ian, you are smokin' pot again, aren't you?" Ian replies, "Dude, don't believe me?" He heads towards his Volkswagen Jetta and get his iPhone from the glove compartment and says, "Let's Google it."We all huddle around Ian's iPhone as he pulls up the results. Sure enough, it's a Dreamworks movie. Made in America. We ABCs are vexed. We all silently get into our Honda Civics and drive back home to Google it ourselves because we really thought Ian was pulling our legs. How could a movie like this be made by Americans? They always butcher the Chinese elements, but Kung Fu Panda hit them quite accurately, or at least at accurately as this Chinese American can decipher.

At this point I realize that there were no subtitles. I was able to understand the whole movie without subtitles. (You see, my understanding of the Chinese language, like most ABCs, is about as good as a retarded 5 year old. This is not something I like to talk about because it is source of great uneasiness for me). I think back and realize there were many clues that should have gave it away - only Hollywood would name Dustin Hoffman's character Master Shifu. Shifu means master, so Master Shifu actually means Master Master - totally retarded, totally Hollywood. Furthermore, Po, the main character, played the loser-to-stud role - the Chinese would have never had the guts to portray the Panda this way. They have too much respect for their Panda. They would have made Po into a perfectly cute lovable character through the whole movie - No character transition. No internal character struggle. No imperfection. Boring. It would have tank the whole storyline.

Of course, all of us ABCs come to this "relevation" at about the same time so the discussions start via the phones, IM, forums, Friendster, MySpace, and Facebook: "Why couldn't the Chinese do a movie like this?", "This should have been a Chinese movie", et cetera et cetera...

The truth is this - Chinese artists and directors, just like most real Chinese people aren't interested in their past. They've beaten that to death. They are completely wrapped up in the Modernization (or Westernization) of their own country so all their work will reflect this. They could never have done Kung Fu Panda.

In contrast, Americans' appreciation of China is for the most part it's history, it's tradition, it's "old" culture, not it's modernization. As a result, Dreamworks made sure the traditional Chinese elements were accurate and believable enough not get in the way of this movie's very American attitude. They pulled off the blend of East meets West swimmingly - only America could have done this movie.

It's at this point that I realize there's nothing for me to get all up in arms about. In fact I should be supporting this movie with all my heart. Kung Fu Panda represents all Chinese Americans and ABCs - it's the perfect blend of East and West...Just like me.

Dude, I'm so buying the DVD...

Performance Mannerisms of Pop Stars

The performance mannerisms of most Western pop stars are relatively unique to the particular individual when compared to their Chinese counterparts. I think it's safe to say the performance mannerisms of George Michael, Norah Jones, Coldplay's Chris Martin, Christina Aguilera, and Maroon 5's Adam Levine are different.

You cannot say the same for Chinese pop stars. Don't believe me? Check out this music video of the 2008 Olympic song, "Beijing Welcomes You". It's performed by many of the pop stars from China, Taiwan, and Singapore so you should have a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about. Am I just imagining things or is there something to this?:



Tell me - Have you seen so many open arms and fist pumps in your life? I guess what White folks say about us Chinese people (we all look the same) is more true that we think. Not only do we look the same, we all have the same mannerisms. I guess I better ask my colleagues to track how many fist pumps and open arms I do when I present during meetings. Actually check that, I'll videotape myself karoake'ing, that should be more telling.

Hell Yeah Zhang Yimou!

On 08/08/2008, I woke up at 5am PST to catch the Olympic Open Ceremony from Beijing China. After it was done, all I can say is...

Hell Yeah Zhang Yimou!


I'm sure all Chinese Ge Men and Jie Men (brothers and sisters) approved. Thank you. You made us proud. Also thanks for teaching us Chinese American a thing or two about Chinese history - no one ever taught us. I really didn't know my ancestors invented gun powder, paper, printing, and the compass. I'm friggin ABC afterall, I really don't know jack about the Chinese - I thought we invented rice before watching this spectacle.


Oh by the way, good luck topping that London. You're going to need it.


Click here to see more images from the ceremony.

I am Banana

Banana - this is a term real Chinese folks use to refer to us Chinese Americans.

Why do they call us "Bananas"? Simple - Like a banana, we are yellow on the outside (we look Chinese), but we are white on the inside (we act and think like white folks).

We are very conflicted about being called a "Banana".

Here's why...

When real Chinese folks, especially our parents, refer to us as "Bananas" we get really protective and defensive because we already feel so damn awkward about not being able to fit in with real Chinese people.

Dear real Chinese folks, You already know we are very insecure about our Chinese-ness. Why do you still need to call us out like that?! Why?! Look at us for godsakes! We look just as Chinese you guys and yet somehow we are still not good enough. We hear you say it all the time - "Dude, that ABC is a total Banana". What is it? We smell different or something? Even though we can barely speak Chinese, we both still share the same compulsive obsession with rice so throw us a frickin' bone.

When our White friends (and we have many since we are Bananas) learn about the meaning of "Banana", we couldn't be more ecstatic.

Dear White folks , we are very glad to let you know how "Americanized" we are. In our ABC minds, you knowing us as Bananas means you understand that we are exactly like you except that we are totally in love with tofu even though we are not vegan, we don't obsess about cheese like you guys, we are on average 1 foot shorter than you, and we are practically blind when there's a car windshield in front of us, et cetera, et cetera. I can go on for days about our differences, but yeah, we're exactly the same as you.....except for all the differences. EXACTLY the same.

Point is folks, We ABCs are stuck between a rock and a hard place. We are as yellow as we are white. We are initially very reluctant to accept this so some of us choose to be as Chinese as we can or as White as we can, but we eventually realize that we don't need to choose and embrace what we are...

A Banana.

So repeat after me my Chinese American brothers and sisters,

"I am Banana"....

We ABCs don't know jack about being Chinese

Don't trust what we Chinese Americans have to say about the Chinese culture. We don't do this on purpose because we really do believe we have it all straight in our heads. At best, we are only partially correct with the facts, but for the most part we are just plain wrong.

The conduit to the motherland's history and culture are through the kaleidoscope of our parents or our real Chinese friends. Dude, if that doesn't raise red flags for you, you're either high or you have the IQ of a peanut. The truth is most of these folks, with a few rare exceptions, should not be giving us ABCs lessons on Chinese culture. Here's why...

Many Chinese parents left the motherland a while ago, probably before the Cultural Revolution so their facts are wildly out-of-date. Most real Chinese folks consider our parents as relics of the "old culture". They say stuff like, "Oh, how cute, they still do that". That's a polite translation of, "Dude that's so pre 1900s. In China, such things have gone the way of the dodo bird". Yes, real Chinese folks talk like this - I know this (Remember I'm Chinese American).

Our real Chinese friends can't be trusted either because they will never tell you the whole story because they think of us as a great novelty act. Novelty act in the sense that they want us to be the presenter in a meeting with our fly unzipped. They want to embarrass us. They want to make us look retarded. They will constantly feed us bits and pieces of real information followed by disinformation so that they can continue to make fun of us. It's sweet revenge for them because we ABCs will never forgo a chance to make fun of their Chinese accent when they speak English and if we fail to find a way to insult them, we'll just resort to calling them FOBs. We so deserve the wrath of real Chinese folks.

You might being wondering why we ABCs can't just go figure it out ourselves. We cannot. We cannot just watch CCTV (China Central Television) and learn this stuff on our own because our understanding of the Chinese language is about the level of a 3 year old so there's no way in hell we understand what the folks on CCTV are talking about. We have no choice but to depend on our parents and our real Chinese friends. So in the end, we Chinese Americans are left to our own devices knowing only bits and pieces of our own culture and then piecing it together with our American thought process.

We. Are. Screwed.

And to all Eggs and admirers of Chinese culture, consider this a WARNING. If what you know about Chinese culture is from Chinese Americans, you don't know jack about Chinese culture.

A Dictionary of Chinese American Terms

Let's get off on the right foot. I understand (and hope) that the audience of this blog will be from all cultures. So before I get started on offending and insulting everyone let's get some basic terms out of the way. Here's a basic survival guide of the lingo that all Chinese Americans use and understand:

• ABC - American Born Chinese. Pretty self-explanatory. Can be used interchangeably with Chinese American.
  
• Chinese American - This term can used interchangeably with ABC. It can literally mean Chinese Americans or real Chinese folks who spend significant time living in American.
• Real Chinese People - Chinese people who are culturally Chinese. They can be Chinese people living in western society who have not yet become westernized.
  
• Banana - Chinese Americans are yellow on the outside (look Chinese), but white on the inside (culturally American) just like a banana. This is a term that real Chinese folks commonly use to refer to Chinese Americans.
• Egg - This term describes White folks who are totally in love with Asian culture. The exact opposite of a Banana.
• FOB - Fresh Off the Boat. This is a term Chinese Americans use to describe real Chinese folks who just immigrated from wherever real Chinese folks come from.
  
• White People - When Chinese or Chinese Americans say "White people" it could simply mean White People or it can mean people who are not Chinese.
  
• Rice It Up - To Asian-ify something that is not necessary of Asian origin.
• Ai-Yah! - Pronounced "I Yaa". An expletive use to voice disapproval or surprise.

That's all I can think of for now. I'll let you know when I think of more.